Loitering at the gate

Soul: I consider, Lord, that You may know best, may want what is best for me, but I do not believe it, because I do not want it and therefore do not will it. I do not want all the pain and sacrifice that comes with my vocation. It is more than I bargained for and I do not feel that I have chosen it.

And yet, to Whom shall I go? This is always what keeps me in Your fold. I am always loitering by the gate, but always inside. I feel trapped; there really is no choice other than You. But I am afraid to choose You - I don't want all the pain and struggle that goes with You. I do not want redemption by the Cross. But I won't choose to go away either - how much worse being torn limb from limb by the wolves!

Jesus, show me the way. Show me you love me - somehow - You know how. I want to know my value in Your eyes. I do not just want pleasant things but I fear the pain because I do not feel You with me - I do not know that You are with me. If I did, losing the sense wouldn't matter. How can I know?

Jesus: You do know, or you would not stay in the gate. Let us spend time, heart to Heart, and you will know My Heart.